Fran Lebowitz

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.