W. C. Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Never give a sucker an even break.