W.C. Fields

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Children should neither be seen nor heard from - ever again.